A look back...A look to the future

Just over two years ago, I started this blog.  I just re-read my first post and spent some time reflecting on how much my life has changed in the past 24 months.  Two years ago, I was in a pretty difficult place in my life.  I wasn't working full-time and I was single.  I'd figured that many of the goals I'd hoped for in my life were simply not in God's plan for me.  I was trying to find contentment in what I believed was God's plan for my life.  Little did I know that what was really His plan for me could be so much better than anything I'd dreamed of when I was in my college years or early 20s.

You see, about eight months after I wrote my first blog post, I met a man whose life had recently taken turn he'd never imagined and he was trying to determine God's plan for his own life.  We both took a chance in meeting one another and what a wonderful blessing it has turned out to be.  On Thanksgiving 2014, this wonderful man asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, and I happily agreed.  You never know where life will take you and what amazing things God has planned for your life.

Stephen, thank you for unexpectedly coming into my life.  I love you with all my heart, and I can't wait to see all the adventures we'll take together.

Breaking down the Lord's Prayer

Earlier this year, I joined a weekly Bible study at my church.  We are doing an in depth study of the gospel of Matthew, and I have really learned so much in the time I've been a part of this group.  We are facilitated by lay people in the parish, but some of them just have so much knowledge to share.  Last week, we covered chapter 6, which is part of the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus taught people what we now know as the Lord's Prayer.  Before we left, we were given a handout that I wanted to share.  Catholics recite the Lord's Prayer each week at Mass.  Do any of us, though, really think about what we're saying when we say these words?  Let me share this link, which is the same info as what we received in our handout last week:

http://catholicdr.com/faithbuilders/Preview%20-%20Our%20Father.pdf

The next time you pray these words, think about what you're truly saying.  Think about the power behind these words.

Blessed be the name of The Lord

I was feeling the desire to blog tonight.  I've been sitting at my computer for a while this evening trying to figure out what to share.  I know that I've been absent from the blogging world.  Things have been good overall, which is part of why I haven't sat down to share what's going on in my thirtysomething world. I've been busy, and when things have been more challenging, I've retreated like the introvert that I am.

It wasn't until tonight that I realized how long it had been since I've shared anything.  This sums up my thoughts and feelings far better than I ever could.

In the midst of good times, bad times, and uncertain times, God is there and He loves us.  May we all remember that.

Peace,

Jessica

God Speaking

I'm a worrier.  I always have been, and to some extent, I always will be.  In the past two or three weeks, though, I've been worrying less.  God has been speaking to me, showing me signs that things are okay, that I'm where I should be in so many aspects of my life.  I'd love to elaborate specifically, and a few people know the details, but I've been hearing songs on the radio, seeing visual signs letting me know that I'm on the right path.  I'm a stubborn soul, and I guess I needed God to practically yell at me to let me know that things are okay.  On Saturday, March 1, the gospel reading at Church was Matthew 6: 24-34.  This is the pretty well known gospel about not worrying.  In it, Jesus assures us that we'll be all right, that we shouldn't worry because God takes care of the flowers and the birds, and that as His children, we're even more important.  To me, the most essential line is Matthew 6:34, which says "Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.  Sufficient for a day is its own evil"

I can't tell you know many times I've heard this gospel reading, whether as a child or an adult.  However, last weekend, while standing in church next to the man I love, it really hit home how much I do worry and how worrying is a sin because it means that I am not trusting God and His plan for me.

Have I completely stopped worrying since last weekend?  Not at all.  I'm a planner by nature.  I like to know what's going to happen and want to be prepared for the worst case scenario.  However, worrying doesn't stop the bad things from happening.  It only stops you from enjoying the good.

For now, I pray that I will continue on this path of worrying less and trusting God more.  My eyes, ears, and heart are open to signs that I'm following God's will for my life.  Speak Lord, for I am listening.

Imperfection

As a believer in Christ, I am comfortable being flawed.  I am not supposed to be perfect, and that's a good thing.  Being perfect takes a lot of work; it's a lot of pressure to never mess up, to never let them see you sweat.  As a type-A personality, though, I feel the need to always do my best, and I often feel that my best is just not good enough.  More often than not, I feel that I can always do better, and I will beat myself up over the smallest mistakes and make myself sick with worry.

I don't see that going anyway anytime soon, but I feel inspired after learning about Brene Brown and watching her TED talks.  Dr. Brown is on faculty at University of Houston and researches vulnerability, courage, shame, and worthiness.  She also works with professionals who want to facilitate her work in their places of employment.

This is a long talk, almost 20 minutes, but I believe it's worth the time.

I recently purchased her book The Gifts of Imperfection.  I plan to share my thoughts on her research in future blog postings.  I hope her writing will benefit me, as well as many of you who may struggle with feeling unworthy.  I'm encouraged that it's based on research data, even though it's not written from a biblical standpoint.  Oh, and if the book is a bust, you may find my copy at Half-Price books. :)

Who's afraid of the big, bad bully?

There's been a fair amount of talk in the media lately about a Miami Dolphins football player who is accusing teammates of bullying him.  I'll be the first to admit that I don't know the whole story, but I just have to wonder if bullying is being blown out of proportion.

I was picked on as a kid.  I was awkward, insecure, and shy.  Although I always tried to be nice to everyone, I just didn't have a lot of friends growing up.  I worked hard in school and was smart, but I vividly remember being picked last for practically everything in school, including academic things.  I don't remember much of the bullying going on outside of school.  There were no prank phone calls, and since there was no social media, I didn't have to worry about Facebook or ugly emails after school or on weekends.  Thank goodness for that.  Kids these days don't have that escape.

Bullying is in the eye of the victim, and what one person considers bullying may not be considered by bullying by someone else.  This Miami Dolphins player may feel victimized, and that's really unfortunate.  Even as adults, we never seem to completely move past that junior high mentality of playing mind games and being mean to people.

What happened to me was not considered bullying, then or now.  When I was young, bullies were the kids who started fights with the smaller, weaker kids or stole the class nerd's lunch money.  What happened to me was explained by my parents as "People who treat you this way aren't your friends".  Well, I knew that, but what I never knew was why people seemed so set on making life miserable for me.

I'm not sure the point of this blog post.  I don't need apologies from the people who treated me poorly while I was growing up.  At this point, they would be insincere & nothing would be accomplished by it.  You can't do undo the past, but I think we can all benefit from treating others with a little more kindness and decency.

My first book review

Earlier this summer, I attended a networking event where the speaker was talking about, among other topics, finding your passion and considering making a career of it.  Those of you who know me well know that I love to read.  I picked up my first book at a very early age, and I haven't really stopped reading since then.  As a bibliophile, I thought it might be interesting to try my hand at reviewing the books I read.  I don't really have a certain genre of books I prefer, but since I discovered the author Jodi Picoult, I've really enjoyed her books and have read almost every one of them.  

This summer, I read and was really moved by her novel The Storyteller.  This was a book about a young woman who works at night in a bakery.  Think for a moment about the types of people who choose to work at night, and you'll realize why Sage is well-suited for this job.  Sage in a grief support group due to the tragic loss of her mother and befriends an older gentleman, with whom she feels she can rely and trust.  As they get to know one another, secrets are shared and Sage must decide what to do with some troubling information that she learns from her new friend.  This is a book about family, secrets, and those tough moral choices we may face in our lives.  As Jodi Picoult so brilliantly does (and not every author can), this novel changes in time and narrator.  The characters are so very complex and well-developed, and it was easy for me to identify with the difficulty in the choices they're forced to make.  

As I read this book, I found myself dreaming about the characters at night and thinking about them during the day.  This is a novel that I wanted to tell my friends, family, and random strangers about. I love to read and find it reasonably easy to identify with the characters in my favorite novels, it's rare to find a story that haunts me so much.  It's rare to find a story where I'm sad when it ends because I'm having to say goodbye to people who have impacted my life,  This is a book that I want people to read.  I feel that I walked away from this novel as a different person.   I learned that while I cannot escape my past and that it has impacted the woman I am now, it doesn't have to dictate my future.  One can move past the difficulties and losses of yesterday into the future.  I've learned that my past does not define me; it's just the past.  That’s a really powerful thing.

I've included the link on Amazon to this book, as I'd encourage you to consider reading it.  http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1439102767/ref=s9_psimh_gw_p14_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1FJXAMRTWAYF7QC6FCV7&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1389517282&pf_rd_i=507846

I've recently joined a book club and I will attend their first meeting next month.  I'm excited to share my love of books with some new friends, and maybe with my blog readers as well.  So, if there's anyone out there reading this who cares to respond, do you like my idea of posting book reviews on occasion, or do you prefer my random musings about my daily life?  

God's will

This weekend, I was thinking about choices and if/how the choices we make can affect God's will for us. We have been "blessed" with free will.  I put the word blessed in quotation marks, because sometimes our selfishness, greed, stubbornness, etc can lead us to make choices that just aren't the best.  However, despite our choices and their outcome, God continues to love us.  When you think about it, that's pretty awesome.  Sometimes the people in our lives don't always do that.  Sometimes we experience scorn, ridicule, and alienation when we make choices that others don't understand or agree with.

In the world, there are circumstances that affect our choices.  For example, if you're offered a job, you have some time to think about whether to accept the job, but you're typically not given an unlimited amount of time to do so.  Clearly, the job you choose can have a long-term effect on you, and there is not really a way to determine if this job will be best for you months or years down the road.  When my car was totaled in a wreck several years ago, the other person's insurance company only gave me a certain amount of time to have a rental car.  Buying a car is a big choice.  Clearly, we often have finite windows of time to make choices that can affect us for a long time.

In my thirtysomething years on this planet, I've made "good" choices and "bad" choices.  Sometimes the choices that seemed good at the time have had positive outcomes and sometimes they've had negative outcomes.  Sometimes the choices that seemed bad at the time have had short-term positive outcomes (but usually long-term negative ones), and sometimes they've had negative outcomes from the beginning.

With all of this being said, I have to wonder how I know when these choices are in line with God's will.  How do I know that I am truly following God's will?  I think about this most often when I've made decisions that seemed to be in my best interest in both the short- and long-run & then these choices have fallen apart.

I don't expect any of you readers to have an answer for me, as I think this is probably something that all believers struggle with.  I really want to get these thoughts out of my head and into words.  I pray that God will continue to guide me in my choices, that I will choose the paths that will benefit me long-term and that I will make the right choice instead of the popular one.

There's something about April

Shortly before leaving work, I learned of the explosions during the Boston Marathon.  While this will not be a "flashbulb memory" for me, I am haunted tonight by TV, Facebook, and Twitter images.  I just don't understand the violence in this world.  Whether this act of terrorism was foreign or home-grown, so many lives are now forever changed.  Frankly, I am scared and feel like a little girl who just wants her mom and dad to make everything better.

Today's incident, of course, only brought to mind the other tragedies that have befallen this country in April:  Waco (1993), Oklahoma City (1995), Columbine (1999), and Virginia Tech (2007).  If they haven't already, the conspiracy theorists are likely spinning some stories of how all these incidents are related to one another.  That's hardly the point, though.

I'm heavy-hearted tonight.  There are no other words; just sadness.

Thank you

Since losing my job almost 5 months ago, I've been working part-time as a nanny/babysitter.  Apparently, there is a fundamental difference in the two, but that's really not relevant to this post.

Anyway, the children I care for are 2 and 5 years old (both have birthdays in April).   I grew up knowing the "magic words" and really try to teach J and K to say please and thank you.  Those of you who are parents know that this can be an ongoing battle.  All of us who were taught those magic words know that their power extends beyond getting a snack or a glass of chocolate milk, both of which are huge for J & K.  They definitely extend into adulthood.

This has been a productive week in my job search, and I'm feeling more positive than I have in a long time.  While driving home from a meeting tonight, I realized that I hadn't really thanked God for the positive movement I've seen this week.  Much like I have to tell the kiddos on a daily basis, I felt like God was saying "What do you need to say?"  It made me realize how often I forget to thank God for everything He's given me.  It can be easy to pray when things are tough or when we need something.    How often, though, do we remember to say those magic words to our Lord?

What are you thankful for right now?  How has God moved in your life?

Let Go and Let God

Today I had a great, honest conversation with my mom.  Those talks are very special to me.  I love when we can laugh about silly things, but I also love her insight and honesty.  It's wonderful we can both laugh and cry in a phone conversation that lasts less than an hour.

I feel like my life is in such a state of chaos and confusion right now.  There's a lot of uncertainty, and I'm really scared.  I'm working on the world's timeline right now, which is unavoidable.  Specific events will occur at a designated time whether or not we have accomplished certain things.  Before you start to argue with me, let me give you an example.  College seniors are probably anxious about finding jobs after their graduation.  Their graduation date will occur regardless of whether they have a job or not.  That's just the way the world works.

Right now, I'm trying so hard to trust in God's plan for me during this point of uncertainty in my life.  My mom's words were "let go and let God'.  I really am trying to do this.  I'm feel like I'm doing everything that I can to change the chaos and confusion, to bring certainty to what is so uncertain right now.  At the same time, I'm trying to trust God.  God knows what I want, but He also has a good and perfect will for me.  I know that God will reveal that at the perfect time.

With all this rambling, I'm not sure what I was wanting to say when I sat down at my keyboard.  I guess my question is how I trust God's plan for me when I'm dealing with a very real timeline?

New Year's Eve musings

In a few hours, a new year will begin.  I'm not one to make resolutions, as I always seem to break them.  There are definitely things I want to change and ways I want to improve my life.  There seem to be so many, though, that trying to change them all in one year gets overwhelming.  Instead, I like to think back on the lessons I learned in the previous year in an attempt to not keep making the same mistakes.  Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different results?

This year has taught me many things.  I've had some great experiences, as well as many moments I'd rather not go through again.  I've learned that it's okay to step out and try new things.  It won't always be good, but it's better than wondering "what if".  Because of this, I want to be less fearful in 2013.  I want to be more comfortable continuing to try new things, opening myself up to new experiences and relationships.  I've learned that actions speak louder than words.  It's very easy to say "trust me" or "I promise", but it's meaningless unless you do what you say and keep those promises.  Because of this, I will likely be less trusting of people until they've proven themselves to me.  Finally, I've learned that I am truly blessed.  There are many people who care about me and make an effort to be a part of my life.  I have family members who are like friends and friends who are like family.  What more could anyone ask for?

In the coming year, I want to pray more, laugh more, love more, and give more.  May all of you have a blessed 2013.

It's the most wonderful time of the year??i

Today is December 9.  It's another humid day in Houston, although a "cold" front is supposed to be coming through tonight.  It doesn't feel like December and it really doesn't feel like Christmas.  I've had so many other things on my mind during the past few weeks, and I feel like I've missed the "peace on earth and good will toward men" memo.  I haven't been rude to anyone, or at least I hope I haven't.  I'm just tired, stressed, and a bit cynical lately.

I know that there is still time to feel the spirit of the season, but I'm beginning to realize that this may be a year that I just sort of "miss" Christmas.  Has anyone else felt this way?  Like you were just sort of going through the motions and the next thing you know it's December 26?  I've had those years before, but I was really hoping to "feel" Christmas this year.  My dad's side of the family is getting together for the first time in a long time.  It's going to be lots of crazy fun, and I don't want to miss out on the joy of Christmas with the people I love most in this world.

I need suggestions.  How can I really get in the spirit of Christmas?  Have you ever "missed" Christmas?  How do I put aside my fatigue, stress, and cynicism for the next few days?  How can I be a kid and feel the joy that should come with this season?

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving eve, everyone.  Thanksgiving has always had a special place in my heart, as it is a holiday where my fun, but slightly dysfunctional, family comes together to eat, drink, and engage in general merriment.  The food is always plentiful and it's a time to enjoy one another without the stress that is generally involved with Christmas and gift-giving.

I'm not sure when the trend began, but several of my Facebook friends post something they are thankful for each day of the month of November.  I enjoy reading them and seeing how others recognize their blessings.  I think that the concept is great and all, but come December 1, the thanks seem to be forgotten until November comes around again.  That part is kind of sad, as some of these same people will be complaining about their job, car, spouse, kids, etc once they turn the calendar to December.  Life is not a bed of roses, but I think that we should all remember the blessings in our lives every day.  It can be much easier to think about what we don't have (a spouse, children, a nice car or house, a job), but I think that when we focus on what we do have, we appreciate it more.

As I prepare to gather around the table with members of my family, I know that someone will inevitably say something that will cause someone else to have hurt feelings.  There will be plenty of food (perhaps too much), laughs, and possibly tears.  It will not be a Norman Rockwell type of Thanksgiving.  However, this is my family, and I am grateful to have them in my life.  We are not perfect, but we love one another.  I am so blessed to have friends who are like family and family who are like friends.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Movies I shouldn't have watched

I'm not much of an NFL fan, so I decided to make this Sunday a movie afternoon.  The first movie on my list was Grease.  I felt like watching it because the TV show Glee was doing Grease as a school musical.  As I watched the movie, I couldn't help but wonder several things.  Besides the obvious, such as "How much hair product did the crew go through", I had to wonder how my parents would even let me watch this movie as a kid.

Although I am not a parent, I believe that most parents do the best job they know how when raising their kids.  Most parents do not intentionally expose their children to inappropriate things or put them in harm's way.  There is no instruction manual for parenting, no fail-safe way to raise your kids so that they become healthy, happy, well-adusted adults.  

While watching Grease and having a solo concert in my living room singing along, I had to wonder why I was ever allowed to watch this movie as a kid.  On the surface, it's a classic boy meets girl story, complete with lots of dancing and fun 1950s costumes.  As an adult, I able to understand the multitude of sexual references and sub-plot of Rizzo possibly being pregnant because Kenickie's condom broke.  I didn't get those as a kid.  Just google the lyrics to "Greased Lightning"if you don’t believe me about the sexual references.  Greased Lightning

It made me think of all the other movies that I probably should not have watched as a kid.  By stating these, I mean no disrespect to my parents.  Perhaps they didn't know what these movies were all about.  Perhaps they figured I wouldn’t understand things.  In any event, I watched these movies way too young and now I'm blogging about them.

1) Grease 2 - I only reference the "Reproduction", "Let's Do it for our Country", or "We're Going to Score Tonight" songs.  Again, google the lyrics to any of these songs if you've never seen this movie.  

2) Dirty Dancing.  The fact that Penny had an abortion (illegal, to make it worse) completely went over my head as a kid.  This was simply a movie about dancing.  I watched this at a friend’s birthday party, even though my mom said I was too young to watch the movie.  Yes, I was a sassy, stubborn child.  Sorry, mom.

3) Footloose.  I'm not sure where to begin with this movie.  I guess I must have been blinded by the whole "town where you can't dance" and "rebellious preacher daughter" story.  Ariel was a bit of a slut.  Does anyone else remember the scene where she stood in the church and told her father that she wasn’t a virgin?  How did I miss the scene where the guy slips Kevin Bacon a joint in the classroom?  If you missed it too, it’s the scene before he speeds off in his car and does his “angry dance” at the warehouse?  

4) Revenge of the Nerds.  Need I say more?  This is a total teen sex comedy.  

5) Secret Admirer.  I'm not sure my mother knew how young I was when I first saw this movie.  I doubt my parents have even seen this movie.  I saw this movie while having a sleepover at a friend’s house.  She was a couple of years older than me, but we were both far too young to have seen this movie.  It came out in 1985 and I was probably at the tender age of 9 when I saw this movie.  On the surface, a guy finally realizes his female friend is in love with him (novel concept, huh?), but a big part of the movie is a girl wanting to go "all the way" with a guy on his birthday.  I just remember thinking how dumb it was.  I might appreciate this movie as an adult, as it features a young Kelly Preston (Mrs. John Travolta) and Lori Loughlin (Becky on Full House, for you 80s/90s kids), and the plot may not have been abysmal.  I haven't seen it as an adult, since I was a bit traumatized in childhood, although I could never tell my cool older friend.

6) Can't Buy Me Love.  I figure this movie kind of goes without saying.  A young, nerdy Patrick Dempsey pays a girl to pretend she likes him so he can be considered cool.  Can you say "prostitution"?

7) 16 Candles.  Need I say more?

8) Look Who's Talking.  I remember clearly the first time I saw this movie.  My sixth grade teacher allowed students to stay after school to watch this movie with her supervision.  If you've seen this movie, you can understand why this was totally wrong.  To make it worse, I was in Catholic school when I watched this movie with my teacher, just footsteps away from a Catholic church.

After reviewing this, I realized that it may sound like my parents paid no attention to what was going on in my life.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  I have very good parents, who probably protected me from far more than I realized.

Looking back, what movies are you shocked that your parents let you watch when you were a kid?  When will you let your kids see this movie?

My first post

Blogging seems to be a trend these days.  I have college friends and friends of college friends who have blogs posting lots of pictures of their cute kiddos and the adventures of their family.  Maybe one day, my blog will look like that.  Right now, my life is much different than the one I dreamed for myself when I was in college.  When I was in college, I always imagined myself as a thirtysomething mother with at least two kids, a great job, and a loving, successful husband.  Currently, I am thirtysomething, unemployed, single, and not a mother.

Don't worry.  This won't be one of those blogs where all I do is complain about singleness or dating, ala "Sex in the City".  However, this post is going to be about that.  I've got something to get off my chest today.

At the beginning of 2012, I told myself that I wasn't going to let fear rule my life anymore.  I told myself that if I wanted things to change in my life, I couldn't just sit around in front of the TV, hoping and praying that God would move in mighty ways in my life.  I had to do something too.  I signed up for six months of Match.com, complete with a "guarantee" that I'd meet someone or I'd get six months free.  After six months, I'd had a couple of email exchanges, an uncomfortable phone call, and a date from hell.  Match.com asked me something to the effect of "Hi Jessica.  Have you met anyone yet?"  When I clicked the box saying "no", it said that I could have six months free.  I really wanted my money back, but that wasn't an option.  I've now got about 2 months left on my second six months.  I've only talked to a couple of men via match.com's email system, but nothing has developed further.

Match.com thinks they are pretty clever by sending you these "daily matches", who are allegedly people with whom I have something in common.  I looked through the pictures this morning with some sincerity.  I thought with all of the people on match.com, surely I'd find a daily match that I'd like to meet for a beverage.  Nope.  I've seen some people I know, a couple of guys I dated before, etc.  In the interest of all women on match.com, especially those who are thirtysomethings, I've posted some gentle suggestions for men on match.com.

1) Post a picture.  Most people have cameras on their phones these days.  If all else fails, do the "bathroom mirror pic" and post it.  Physical attraction is not the only thing, but it's an important thing.

2) If you're going to the "bathroom mirror pic", clean up your bathroom first.

3) Please don't post pictures of you in the gym or flexing your muscles.  It's awesome that you care about yourself and get regular exercise, but it kind of makes you look like a DB.

4) If you're going to post a pic with you and a female, make sure the age difference between the two of you makes it clear that she is your mother, aunt, grandmother, daughter, or niece.  Otherwise, I'm going to compare her to me and wonder if I'm good-looking enough to date you.  I don't know that the pretty girl next to you is your sister or childhood friend.

5) Avoid a lot of the bar pics.  It kind of makes me think that the only thing you do with your spare time is drink.  I enjoy a drink or two and like to hang out with my friends, but I have other interests.  You should too.

6) We've all heard the old expression "Age is just a number".  However, your number may be too high or too low.  Respect that when I tell you, or respect match.com's very classy "thanks but no thanks" option to messages received.

I hope these don't make me sound bitchy.  I'm quite sure I'm echoing what some of my formerly single friends have said and thought, as well as the thoughts and vocalizations of my fellow thirtysomething singles.

I wonder if anyone will actually read this.  If so, maybe it will spark discussions with my friends and family that we otherwise may not have.  Maybe a stranger will read this, someone whose life is like mine and feels like no one else can relate.  Maybe a stranger will read this whose life is the opposite of mine and can gain a different perspective.  If no one reads this, at least I will have the opportunity to get some thoughts and feelings off my chest.

Thanks.